The Price of Hesitation
by Olivia Y
Summary: Hesitation has a price...and Trowa's about to find out just how dear a price that is...
1. Trowa

**THE PRICE OF HESITATION**

The path leading up to the church seemed endlessly long. Trowa slowly made his way along it to the old majestic building, his hands in his pockets, and his eyes downcast. All around him, light rain fell silently. 

Finally he reached it, and he hesitated a moment before placing his hands on one of the heavy brass double doors and pushed it open.

Inside, it was empty and utterly silent. It would be a few hours before anyone else was due to arrive. That was just what Trowa had planned on, he needed this time, he had so much to tell…

He made his way down the aisle and stopped in front of the stand that held the coffin. He stood over it and gazed through the glass lid at the figure inside it. 

_How could he be gone? Trowa's heart refused to believe it. Yet the truth lay before him. The boy's cheeks have lost their characteristic rosy glow, and his eyes, slightly covered by his golden hair, were shut. __They'll never be opened again…I'll never be able to see that kind light shining from those beautiful blues again…_

Without thinking he lifted the heavy glass covering, and set it aside. Without the reflecting glass he could see the boy more closely, and he felt his heart ache and his eyes water.

_We were so close…I was so close to you, and now you're gone…how could you be?_

_How could you?_

FLASHBACK

It was finally over; the war had finally come to an end. Despite the feeling that nothing had really been gained or resolved, at least the weapons can be laid down; the bloody battles will stop…

And the Gundams can be put to rest.

Trowa sat alone on top of his Gundam Heavyarms, and gazed at the setting sun. The moment right then seemed so perfect. The explosions have stopped, the movement of all the mobile suits have ceased, all was quiet. Soon, it would be a new day, perhaps a new era, and everyone can carry on a new way of life.

"Hey Trowa!" A voice called from behind him, and he smiled in recognition before turning around and giving a hand to the little blond figure scrambling up his Gundam.

"I've been looking for you for ages!" Quatre said as he sat down beside him "I guess it should've been obvious you'd be with your Gundam, but then I thought since we have peace now and everything you may decide to stay away from your Heavyarms for a while"

"No…I was just thinking..." Trowa replied absently.

"About the future right?" Quatre asked.

Trowa nodded, and continued to gaze over the horizon. He knew Quatre could read his thoughts without him having to voice them. He smiled to himself. How lucky he was to have Quatre as a friend…so sweet, so kind, so understanding…and so loving.

"I was talking to Duo about it a while ago…it seems he's the only one willing to talk right now. Wufei's in this…meditation mode or something, I have no idea where Heero _is, and it took me until now to find you!"_

Trowa smiled "So what did you guys talk about?"

Quatre laughed, and that in itself sent a warm glimmer through Trowa's heart "Well, _I didn't get to say much, that guy can talk for ten days non stop…perhaps more!! And now he's in this 'super-excited stance' or something which makes it worse! It's impossible to get a word in edgewise!"_

"Duo more hyper than usual?" Trowa almost shuddered at the thought "Glad I decided to stay away"

"Worst of all the way he blabbers on I could hardly catch a thing…although…" He grinned "One word I did manage to catch many times throughout his rambles was…'Heero'"

Trowa had to laugh "I still can't believe those two get on so well! How does someone like Heero put up with a nutcase like Duo anyway?"

Quatre shrugged "Perhaps you might say opposites attract…but it's hard _not to love Duo you must admit"_

"Yeah…" Trowa had to agree "But then again you seem to love everyone!"

"There's _something to love about everyone…or at least I try to believe" _

Trowa nodded vaguely, somehow he didn't share the same viewpoint, but there wasn't any point arguing over that now, he just wanted to savor the moment.

"Any plans on what you'll do?" Quatre spoke up again.

Trowa shook his head "This has been the only life I've known…I don't know any other ways…"

"We're all like that; it's up to us to find out new ways!"

"No…" Trowa shook his head again "Most of you still have vague impressions of what your life was like before the war, and you can try to go back to that…except Heero maybe but that guy's not phased out by new situations anyhow…me, I don't really even know who I was before I became Trowa Barton…and now suddenly my identity as a soldier is no longer necessary, though we've all been trying to achieve peace for so long, now that we have it…I'm not sure how I feel about it, everything's going to be so…different…"

"Yeah…" Quatre agreed. 

After a moment of silence he added "Did you think about what will happen to us?"

Trowa looked at him, slightly confused "Who? The five of us?"

"No…you and me…" Quatre replied shyly "Do you have any ideas of where we'll go from here?"

"What?" Trowa was stumped.

"Our relationship" Quatre finally spelt it out for him "Now that the war's over, have you thought about…what we might do…or where we'll go?"

Something in the tone of his voice made Trowa's heart beat faster, and he started to feel nervous "I…never thought about it…" He murmured, almost to himself.

"Never?" Quatre looked disappointed "You never dreamt of what we could do after the war?"

"I didn't think I'd live to see it…" It was true, he didn't.

"But now that we have, hasn't it crossed your mind?"

"No…not really…" 

"Never?"

Trowa shook his head, and turned away, he couldn't bear to look at the hurt expression on Quatre's face, he hated making him unhappy. But it was true, he never thought about taking their relationship anywhere, during the war Quatre was almost a source of comfort to him, someone to look to for love, and he had always assumed Quatre felt the same way about him. But now that it was all over, and he was suddenly confronted with such questions, he had no idea how to respond, nor did he know how he saw Quatre anymore. 

"Trowa…" The voice was filled with uncertainty "Don't you…_want to think about it?" _

Trowa turned back to look at his companion. _He looks so lost. He thought in alarm. __I never realized he had counted on this!_

"I don't know what to think…"He replied truthfully "I really don't…"

"Don't you….don't you…" Quatre's voice grew softer "Don't you want to…to…" He swallowed before finally finishing "…to be with me?"

_If I hesitate now, Trowa thought, __It'll surely break him! So he quickly reassured "Of course I do Quatre! How could you think that! I'm just…a bit phased out by the aftermath of the war and everything…you know how I am…"_

Quatre smiled in relief "Oh…okay" He reached up and touched Trowa's hair "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been so pushy, but I got scared…I thought…I thought you didn't love me…" 

_Love._

He used the word Love

Trowa was daunted, he never thought about their relationship in that sense, yes, he did love Quatre, and he had always known Quatre loved him, but not in _that way. He had always assumed it. But now it seemed he was mistaken, perhaps the other's point of view was very different to what he had thought it would be._

"Don't scare me Trowa" Quatre's voice broke his trance "I know you feel confused right now, and I'll give you time to sort it all out, but there's one thing you can be certain of…I'll always be here for you…and…" He added timidly "I'll always love you"

Those words had the opposite effect to Quatre had intended, Trowa just felt more messed up and confused than he did before. He felt the desperate need to escape from there, and since darkness had long since fallen, he jumped up and announced "I'm going back now…there's something I need to do…you should probably go back now too…" He added.

Quatre looked up and smiled "I think I'll stay here for a little while longer, but I'll be back soon."

The night sky was filled with stars, and that night, almost as a symbol of the end of the war, there was a full moon. Trowa gazed at the scene and couldn't help marvel at the beauty of it all. The beauty of nature, and the beauty of Quatre.

_He really is beautiful…Trowa thought, __His eyes, they reflect the moon's rays so perfectly…I never realized they were so…dreamy…yet so intense…_

_How can I help loving him? He's been so sweet, so caring…Trowa wondered. __But then…if I made myself commit, what would that mean? What would it lead to? I don't even know how to take care of anyone…how will I care for him? What if I turn out disappointing? What if I end up hurting him anyway? What if…_

 A trail of questions went through his mind, none of which he could find any answers to.

                  *                                  *                      *

The whole evening, Trowa's mind was in a haze, as the five of them gathered in their living room and discussed prospects, all he could do was sit there in a daze, every now and then nod at something someone says if it's vaguely directed at him, but otherwise just staring at either his own hands, or Quatre, he never looked him straight in the eyes, in fact, his focus was pretty much directed at Quatre's left ear.

No one really noticed anything was amiss, they had become long since used to The Silencer living up to his name, but this time his lack of expression did not reflect any lack of feelings, instead, they hid the emotional turmoil that was whirling inside.

No one was quite themselves that night, of course it was only to be expected when confronted by a new situation, even one that makes things better. Peace, it was something they've all been hoping for, but never expected to see…

_And now that we've achieved it…where do we go from here? Trowa wondered, __No one else really seems all that worried about what they'll do…well, perhaps they've sorted things out for themselves. He looked over to Duo and Heero, the former had just thrown another teasing comment at the latter, who was now giving him his all too famous intensive glare…yet there was something behind those eyes that held emotions no one could mistaken for anything but fondness and adoration._

_Of course they'll remain together, Trowa thought, and smiled faintly. __At least they have some idea…His gaze shifted to Wufei. __I wonder what'll happen to him…he's always been the loner, even after living together for so long he's still remained the solitary one…who knows what may happen to him…but…at least he doesn't look lost, he may be alone, but he chose to be so, and he's had no hesitations…_

Again, he looked towards Quatre. _He looks so happy tonight… He mused. __And he's even more beautiful when he's happy…something about him just…glows from within, I really do love him…and I know he loves me…but…_

He was still so unsure. _What am I afraid of? He questioned, __I thought the key to holding together a good relationship was the mutual nature of love between two people…and I'm certain we have that...yet… He struggled to find the answers. __Could this only be temporary? Am I merely drawn to him because of the war? If that's the case then I can't count on it…if it was situation brining us and holding us together then that's all over, it can't have been love!"_

Trowa frowned at himself, and it didn't go unnoticed.

"Trowa?" surprisingly it was Wufei who spoke up "You alright there? You've been sitting there with all these looks passing over your face for the last few hours…I can take it if you don't talk, but if you keep smiling and frowning to yourself I'll start to get worried"

"Oh" Trowa felt almost nervous, he didn't realize he had been watched "It's nothing, I was just…thinking…"

Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Quatre smiling at him, in his innocence he obviously believed Trowa had started to make plans for their future. Again, his heart warmed at the smile, yet his mind fretted at both Quatre's assumptions and his own reaction to the smile "If I don't love him, why is it that his smile could make my heart flutter so? But if I really did love him…why am I having so many hesitations?"

He searched deeper. _What am I worried about…where are the basis of my fears?_

Then he recalled the panic he had felt when Quatre had looked up at him with those large passionate eyes and asked in that quivering voice "Don't you…_want to be with me?"_

He was scared of hurting Quatre…that was his main fear that drove him to such confusion, from past experiences, he knew that no matter how strong Quatre tried to be, he was somehow different from the rest of them. Heero had been raised as a soldier, Duo leant to fend for himself since childhood, Wufei had a warriors' heart, and as for himself…the loss of identity made him more immune to emotions…but Quatre was different, he had a family, he had a home and despite the fact that he wasn't always understood by those around him, he had been so sheltered for most of his life…and Trowa knew that although Quatre would be ready and willing to sacrifice himself in war without a second thought, when he's subjected to emotional devastations he can break, he's broken before, which lead to disastrous consequences, and Trowa was so scared of breaking him again.

_His feelings are pure, as is his heart. Trowa knew. __He will commit himself so completely… can I be sure I can return such feelings? What would happen if it turns out that…I can't be so devoted to him? How can I risk hurting him so? I will break him…he breaks so easily in that sense…and I can't stand to do that! He's been through too much to deserve such treatment…I have to be sure of this before I make any promises…_

_If I give myself some time…perhaps I'll see if my love for him stays strong…then I can be sure it's not a consequence of the situations…it'll be my heart…I have to know…I have to be sure of this first!_

At last, he made the decision. _I need to get away for a while…just until I find myself, and my true feelings…just for a short time, I can't hurt Quatre…I just can't risk it!_

He nodded to himself, and looked up just in time to see Heero toss a curious look at him before turning back to Duo. Slightly embarrassed, he turned his head in Quatre's direction, and met up with another pair of quizzical eyes. Strangely enough, the look made him blush.

_Give me some time Quatre…He said in his heart. __It's better to find out now before we get too deep…I don't want to hurt you, because in my own way I really do love you…so if I was to give myself to you. …I need to be sure of what it is you're getting…Please forgive me for my confusion… let me find myself first…for your sakes…_

      *                                  *                                  *

Not surprisingly, insomnia hit Trowa that night, and it was way past two in the morning before he finally got up and drugged himself with a strong dose of sleeping pills. That knocked him out almost instantly, and when he awoke, the sun was already high.

He forced himself out of bed. What was it that kept him up so late last night?

_That's right…Quatre…He remembered. __My decision…if I'm going to carry it out I should work fast, the longer I drag it out the harder it would be" His head hurt so much it felt as if it was going to explode__ I have to do this! I must! I can't hurt him! I can't break him!_

He tried his best to ignore the throbbing pain in his head, and started gathering his belongings. He's going to leave this place for a while, or more importantly, he needed to stay away from Quatre for a while, he needed to figure things out alone, and he knew that would be impossible with Quatre around.

It was strangely quiet outside. Trowa tentatively entered the kitchen, as was surprised to see Quatre sitting at the breakfast table alone. In front of him were a stack of hotcakes, two slices of toast, a cup of coffee, all of which were still steaming hot. As well as that there was a glass of milk, a glass of orange juice, a plate of muffins and a bowl of fruit. 

At the sound of his entering, Quatre looked up and smiled "Hey!" He greeted warmly "Heard you get up, so I decided to fix you breakfast…I wasn't sure what you wanted, so I decided to make a bit of everything"

"All this is for me?!" Trowa looked wide eyed at the display of food "Who do you think I am? Duo?" 

Quatre smiled sheepishly "Well…at least you have a lot to choose from right?"

Trowa sat down, his mind started to spin again. _This is exactly the kind of gesture that makes me feel so confused…Quatre! Why do you have to be so wonderful?!_

"So where are the others?" Trowa asked, puzzled at the silence in the room.

"They've left" Quatre replied simply.

"Left?!" Trowa lifted his eyebrows "Where to? When?!"

"Heero and Duo went off…someplace…together…" Quatre grinned "I guess they want to be alone for a while…and Wufei's gone back to visit his old home"

"China?"

"No…I think he meant his birthplace…"

"I thought he was the last of the clan"

"He is, but he says he wants to go back and just _see it…I think he feels Meiran most strongly there…and perhaps he needs to talk to her…"_

"Oh…" 

A moment of silence passed between them. _I must tell him…I need to leave…_

"Quatre…there's something I need to tell you…" He began.

"Eat your breakfast first" Quatre motioned.

Trowa looked at the food, but he had absolutely no appetite "Quatre…listen to me" He persisted "I…I've been thinking… about us…and…"

"Really?" Quatre's voice was full of expectation and hope, and Trowa felt almost as if he had told a lie, a sense of guilt ripped at his conscience.

"Yeah…and I have to be honest with you…" Trowa swallowed, then rushed on before Quatre had a chance to interrupt "I don't know how I _really feel…about us, and I need time to figure it out, I need to do this by myself, do you understand?"_

_There! I did it. I told him. Trowa's heart pumped wildly as he waited for an answer. __I'm so sorry Quatre, but it's for the best…_

Silence.

Trowa looked up hesitantly, and met Quatre's eyes.

They looked so disappointed, so confused, so lost, and so hurt. They pierced Trowa's heart like an arrow.

"Quatre?" 

No response came.

"Quatre?!" Trowa's voice grew louder.

Still the boy was motionless and silent.

"Quatre!" Trowa leapt from his seat and made his way to where the other boy was sitting, he took him by the shoulders and shook him "Quatre! Can you hear me?"

"I heard you…" Quatre's voice sounded as if it was coming from a long distance away "You're leaving me…"

"No! That's not it!" Trowa felt panicked at Quatre's behavior "Listen…this is only temporary, I'll be back real soon…I promise! It's just that…I need to know myself, can you understand that? Can you understand what I'm saying?"

Quatre turned at looked at him straight in the eyes "Trowa…I thought…we _did know ourselves…"_

"I thought that too…but I can't be sure if it's really me…or was it a matter of circumstance, so I just…" He didn't know how to word it.

"I understand" To his surprise, Quatre spoke up "If it's time you need…I'll give it to you…"

"I promise to be back really quickly…in fact, before the others get back! And I'll know how I feel then, I just really need to sort this out…"

Quatre nodded silently, and Trowa could see tears forming in those lovely blue eyes. Heartbroken, Trowa wrapped his arms around Quatre's shoulders and gave him a comforting squeeze, before standing up and running back to his room.

He looked at his bag, and sighed. This was it; once he left he'd have to confront his feelings, which have been repressed for so long. He'll have to sort himself out…It was a challenge he did not want to have to face, but knew that he must.

Picking up his things, he walked out past the kitchen again, and saw Quatre in exactly the same position as he had left him.

_If I didn't do it now…it'd be worse. He tried to reason his actions, but the look on Quatre's face still made his heart ache._

 "Quatre…" He began.

"It's alright Trowa…really" Quatre looked up, and he actually smiled "I understand, I really do…if it's for the sake of our future then go and do whatever it is  you need to…I'll be alright"

_He's so strong; truly…I'll never live up to his strength. Trowa took a backward glance at his friend, suddenly he felt unwilling to leave him, but he did not hold back._

"Quatre…" He said one more time "Take care of yourself now"

Again, no response came, Trowa wasn't even sure if he had heard him. Sighing, reluctant but determined not to give in, he opened the door.

"Goodbye Quatre"

                  *                                  *                                  *

He didn't know how long he stayed away for, he seemed to have lost track of time, but certainly he didn't return as quickly as he had promised he would.

He did think about their relationship, over and over again he questioned his own heart, but every time he did, he would get so confused and mystified, nothing would come through.

_Why can't I find myself? Why am I so afraid? Why am I so hesitant…this is not right, Quatre's waiting for me…he's waiting for an answer…how I long to tell him what he wishes to hear, how I wish I was sure of it…_

Then came that night…

And that dream…

_It's so dark.  In the dream, Trowa couldn't make out anything, it was as if he was standing in the middle of space, only there weren't even any stars. __What is going on? Why am I here all of a sudden…wait…is it raining…yes…rain…where is this place…?_

He desperately  searched around him for a sign of familiarity, something that made sense, all he could make out was that it was raining, hard, in fact he heard thunder rolling, and he found that he was kneeling down, the ground beneath him was muddy and wet, but he could still see nothing…

A flash of lightning illuminated his surroundings, and he could make out a vague shape in front of him, but could not quite tell what it was…

Then another flash went through, and this time he saw clearly what it was…

A simple and plain gravestone, and carved across it, the familiar name:

QUATRE RABERBA WINNER.

"No!" Trowa sat up in bed with a cry, his heart was pumping wildly, his back was drenched in a cold sweat and he was panting heavily.

_What am I doing? He asked himself frantically. __What the hell do you think you're doing Trowa?! Why the heck did you doubt yourself so? Why can't you see what was placed right in front of you?  He felt tears roll down his cheeks. __You're going to kill him! If you don't go back you're going to kill him…and can't you see it? If he dies you'll die with him…can't you recognize that? Can't you see that he's purpose of your existence? The only thing that truly matters in your life?  Why were you questioning anything? How could you allow him to get hurt? You love him! You were just too stupid and too frightened to see that, your lack of emotions have made you ignorant of what you truly feel…_

_But now I know!  Trowa had never felt so sure of anything before in his life. __Now I know my feelings! I am sure of it! Oh Quatre! Quatre! Forgive me for such a stupid fool! I can't live without you Quatre, I realize that now, I love you…I so long to tell you that…_

It was still early dawn, but Trowa couldn't wait, he didn't have time, there was a sense of urgency and dread in his chest and he felt desperate to get back. 

_Wait for me Quatre…I'm coming!_

                              *                                  *                                  *

The road home seemed ever so long, as if time was slowing down all around him. The sense of dread and panic grew within him, and with each passing second he became more and more anxious and worried.

Finally, he was there.

He practically crashed through the door as he arrived. 

"QUATRE!"

He rushed into the living room, where Duo, Heero and Wufei were sitting in a row. Upon his entrance, they looked up at him at the same time, but none of them said anything.

"Where's Quatre?!" Trowa asked, he couldn't even stop to greet his friends.

"Where were _you?" Duo stood up and demanded "We've been trying to reach you for the last six hours"_

"I was on my way back of course!" Trowa glanced around. _Where the heck is that little blond hiding?! _

"Why didn't you stay in touch?!" Duo went on.

"I…I...just needed to be alone for a while…"

"You could've told us! Why did you leave Quatre on his own for so long?!"

"What?" Trowa didn't know what he was trying to get at "Quatre can take care of himself can't he?"

"Trowa…" Heero spoke up "Was there something that he was unhappy about?"

"Unhappy?" _Yes…I was making him really miserable, but I've been miserable too, and I've come back to make it up to him now. "I…I don't know…I've been away for quite a long time…"_

"Damn right you have!" Wufei stood up as well "How could you just leave Quatre on his own like that? He needed you, he needed someone…"

"What is going on?!" _Something is definitely wrong here…they're not behaving like themselves…The sense of dread grew exponentially, and fear gripped his heart "Where is Quatre? What happened to him?"_

The others looked at each other, Duo fell back on to the couch, burying his face in his hands, and shook his head "How could this have happened? We should never have gone away!"

"Would someone just tell me where Quatre is?!" Trowa finally exploded, "What the hell is going on here?!"

The others just looked up at him, he couldn't read the look in their eyes, and it scared him all the more. He knew only one thing; he had to find Quatre _now! He couldn't comprehend what was going on, but the urge to see Quatre got stronger, and he turned to head towards the bedrooms. _

"Trowa…" Heero stood up and placed a hand onto his shoulder, forcing him to turn around, something in his eyes foretold tragedy.

"What is it?" Trowa's voice was trembling, in fact, he was shaking all over.

"It's Quatre…" Heero replied in a monotone "He's dead"

END OF FLASHBACK 

A tear fell onto his hand, and woke Trowa from his trance. He focused his gaze back to the boy in the coffin. _ It looks as if he's just sleeping…Trowa thought and leant down closer._

Suddenly he gasped, and pulled away, Quatre's eyes were opening!

"Quatre!" Trowa jumped back in shock "_You're alive!"_

The boy didn't say anything, he just smiled up at him in that wonderfully sweet way.

"Oh Quatre! I'm so glad it wasn't true! I knew you couldn't leave me like that…!" Trowa was almost delirious with joy, and he reached out to touch him...

Then a voice came over his shoulder.

"Trowa…why did you leave me? _Why? You knew how much I needed you yet you stayed away for so long…why did you do that to me?"_

Trowa turned in shock to see Quatre standing behind him, with a pistol in his hand.

"Why did you do that?" Quatre repeated and took a step closer "I don't blame you for anything, I just want to know _why, I tried to contact you but you never replied, why did you do that?"_

"I…I don't know"

"I just want to know why!" Quatre closed the distance between them, his voice growing louder "Why Trowa _WHY!?"  Suddenly he lifted the gun to his head, and pulled the trigger._

"QUATRE!" Trowa screamed out.

And then…he woke up.

The church was quiet, no one was around, everything was still. Quatre lay still in his coffin, still and silent. It was merely a dream, Trowa's heart felt empty and lifeless, it had died with his love.

He reached in and took hold one of Quatre's hands, which were folded across his chest, he brought it to his lips and gently, one by one, he kissed his fingers.

_Somehow…I know you will see this, that you can hear me and feel me still..._

He laid the hand back onto his chest, then placed his own hand upon Quatre's cold cheek, with the other hand he brushed the golden locks out of his eyes. Then he leant down and placed his lips softly onto his forehead. Slowly his lips made their way down to Quatre's closed eyes, to his cheeks, and finally his lips…

_How this coldness contrasts to what Quatre was like in life! He was always so warm to me…he gave me so much love…but I'll never be able to return it… He'll never know how I loved him; I'll never have the chance to give him a real kiss…ever…_

_How come Quatre…how come you had the courage to put a gun to your head and take your own life, yet you didn't have the courage to hold on…to wait for me just a little longer…_

_The others will never know what I did to you, I'll never be able to face them with the truth, they will only ever think it was the war that broke you, but it was me. They will only believe it was suicide, but it wasn't..._

_You didn't' kill yourself…it was me. It was my hand that held the gun and my fingers which pulled the trigger…I was the one who broke you, I broke your heart, your spirit and I took your life…_

_You have suffered for me, I know… there's no way I could ever make up for the amount of suffering I put you through, I can only try to compensate by living the rest of my life in this misery, you know I will never be happy again Quatre, without you my life has no meaning, I no longer find any purpose in it…but I need to face my faults, and I need to be punished in this way…_

There was a noise outside, and he realized people were starting to arrive for the service. Standing up, he replaced the lid onto the coffin, and gazed through it.

_I won't be attending this service today, I don't want any sympathy, I don't deserve it…Quatre, you taught me to be able to feel, but I guess you didn't show me the clear way to love…_

_I love you Quatre, I have loved you for so long but just couldn't see it in my blind foolishness, I have paid the price, I've paid it dearly…Quatre…_

_How could you be gone? We were so close; you and I, and now you're gone forever…_

The doors opened, and people started to filter in, all dressed in dark solemn colors and wearing mournful expressions. Trowa felt reluctance at leaving, but realized that even if he stayed there, Quatre wasn't going to come back. 

He slowly headed to the door, not looking up even as he passed the other Gundam pilots on the way, his heart was empty, nothing was real to him anymore, nothing seemed to matter…Quatre was gone.

_My life ended the day I lost you…I'll never fall in love again…_

One final glance…

_Goodbye Quatre…_

_My love…_

_My life…_

**~OWARI~**


	2. Quatre

**QUATRE**

The war has ended…finally…I've always believed that peace will finally be achieved…now we have it.

The significance of it all…so many dreams can be realized…how many times have I pictured this scene? The perfect sunset, the calmness in the air, the stillness in the atmosphere…it's all so perfect…

…Or at least it will be…if I could just find…

Wait…there he is…perhaps I should have predicted it. Sitting alone, with his Gundam, that's just the thing you'd expect my Trowa to do…even during something as significant as this…he still wants to be alone.

Watching him from this distance, I am reminded all over again of why and how I fell for him. Strange…our first contact was in a battle. In a way I think it was fate that he should be the first of the others I met…it was destiny…

I recall vaguely what Duo was saying to me only moments ago…the war is over, I can be with the one I want and not give a damn to the rest of it, I've fought and I've won, I deserve it, I deserve Heero and he wants me just as much, we have a future now, it's finally come…

Trowa…That's how I feel right now too…there's an incredible feeling of inner peace and satisfaction at all we've achieved, can you believe it? We can finally plan our future and know that it won't be a mere dream, that it's something that will happen, that we can make happen…now things are in our control, and I want nothing more…

For now though…I'll just watch you from afar…I can tell you need to be alone, just a little while longer, I'll approach when I sense you're ready, I have so much to tell you, but for now I'll just leave you alone…the right time will come…

                  *                                  *                                  *

How cold the night is! Yet as we sit here together, I can hardly feel the chill. There's a fire in the background, and outside, the sky is clear and the moon is full…it's so picturesque…I see it as a sign, a sign that our lives will be as wonderful as the scene is right here and now…

Trowa…what are you thinking about? You seemed to be avoiding my questions out there…but then that's just the way you are right? I know this must be strange to you, all of a sudden you find you are so needed by another, but not as a soldier to protect them. I guess the whole situation has you a bit confused, but I'm determined to help you find yourself…

I can feel you staring at me…as much as you try to hide it…why are you giving me such odd looks? Why are you acting so odd altogether? Even Wufei's noticing your behavior…

I wish you'd say something to me; you haven't talked to me the whole night…why is that? Did I scare you out there? I don't mean to push things, it's just I'm so excited! If you want to take things slowly just tell me…I don't mind, as long as you're happy…

There…you're staring at me again! But this is the first time you've looked me in the eyes…do I sense a slight redness in those pale cheeks?

I smile…Trowa will show his affections in his own ways, they may not be easy to understand…he's so different from anyone.

But then again, what else can you expect? He wouldn't be my Trowa otherwise…

                              *                                  *                                  *

I don't understand it…

I really don't…

Why…why did he…

I still can't accept it…How did this happen? Why didn't I do something to stop him? Why didn't I ask him…more…

I don't know, I must've lost my voice then…I know I lost the ability to think for a moment…it just came so unexpectedly…

Trowa rejected me…

All my beliefs…everything I had faith in…how did it all fall apart? Was I disillusioned from the start? If I was then why did he lead me on so? Why didn't he ever push me away when I held him, or resist when I kissed him? Why did he let me believe he loved me too…?

Find myself…that's how he put it…I need to find myself…so does that mean he never knew to begin with? He never had those emotions? He never felt the passion when we made love…just did it as if it was a task that had to be?

I don't understand! Why Trowa WHY!?

I should've tried to find out, in those moments when he went to get his belongings I should've stopped him. I should've interrogated him until he admitted…admitted anything, that he was playing me for a fool, that he was using me as comfort, that he was just bored…anything!

I can't stand not understanding…he promised to be back soon, but I could see that look in his eyes, he's not coming back…he's never coming back to me…something in my heart told me that was the last time I'd see him…

I couldn't stop him, it just felt wrong. If he didn't know himself, I can't help him to find out, I'd only make him more confused…I want to say that I can give him time, but somehow…I know Trowa will never be mine…he just doesn't belong to me…

The door to his room stands ajar…I enter…heaven knows why! I guess I just want to be in a place where I can still feel his presence…even though I feel like I don't know anything about him anymore…I thought I did, I must've been wrong.

Looking around, all those familiar objects seem strange to me…like I've never seen them before, despite the fact I've been around them for so long…just like how I feel as if Trowa is now a stranger…I never knew him…

Something in the corner of his desk catches my eyes…something shiny and metal…

Trowa's pistol…

Picking it up, I almost smile at the feeling of it…odd as it may sound but the gun looked like Trowa…so sleek, so beautiful...and so silent…yet it could be so deadly…yes … this gun was Trowa through and through.

I take it back with me…it's one thing I can still look to and see anything familiar…

                              *                                  *                                  *

Days turn into weeks, and those weeks into months…

Where are you Trowa? You promised to come back….how long do you plan on staying away from me?

I've sent him so many messages, none of which were replied. Has he gotten so cold hearted he can't even take the trouble of replying…just to tell me he's okay at least?

I don't get it…what's changed so? I thought we had such wonderful futures…and some of us do I admit…but what's happening to me and Trowa? He can't even stand the sight of me any more…I can only come to one conclusion…

He's not coming back…

I guess he never loved me…

                  *                                  *                                  *

I believed in destiny…I believed it was fate we should be together.

I now know I was wrong…in this world there is no love, no hope…even after all the struggles I've gone through…and I thought I was finally here…I was wrong, I was _so wrong._

Alone, and abandoned, I've lost so much in this war. _Trowa…he was the one thing I thought I could hold on to…now I know that's not even true…_

I showed him my heart…he never took notice, I could give him my life but he wouldn't want it… he doesn't want me, he's made that part clear…

But why…why did he wait till now? Why did he put my hopes up so high? Why did he lead me on? Why can't he at least give me an explanation to why he had to be so cruel to me…?

I don't blame you for anything Trowa really…I know you must have reasons for doing this…I just wish I knew what they were…

What is there left for me? I've lost everything now…sure people can say I still have so much to live for, so much potential…but those are not really my own…my inheritance is a burden, not a blessing…my only dream had been to be able to be free….

To be able to be with him…

Now my dreams have been shattered…I just can't take it anymore…

Why did you offer me hope? With out hope there is no disappointment…

Everything I believed….that was all wrong…

People weren't kind at heart as nature…people are cruel, this world is cruel…this life is cruel…there is nothing to hope for and nothing I can live for…

I can feel the coolness of the metal in my hands…your pistol Trowa…even now it feels so good…it feels almost calming…

The sun is rising…it's a new day…soon those rays will engulf the darkness…

But what's the point? That's only an illusion…in truth, it's a dark world…

The tip of the gun is now pressed against my temple…strange…the feeling of it almost resembles a kiss you gave me once…it was on the same spot…and it felt just like this, still, cold…yet obviously holding back fire…

I can only smile…my last thought is still of you Trowa, even though you lead me on, left me, betrayed me and broke me…I still can't help loving you…

Because you are the one and only…

Trowa...

My fingers find the trigger…and gently…they pulled…

This is it Trowa…

If I never made it clear enough before…I will now…

I love you…

Farewell…

**~OWARI~**


End file.
